


let's pretend we’re free from fear

by emilia_kaisa



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst and Drama, Complicated Relationships, Hopeful Ending, Hurt, M/M, Some comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:33:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28990755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: "Are you scared?" his mom asks quietly, reaching to touch Yuzuru's cheek, and he shakes his head slightly, and shifts a little to be in a more comfortable position."I'm not." he says truthfully and she smiles, mostly with relief but also a pinch of concern that makes Yuzuru want to sit up and hug her. But before he decides to do so, his mom leans down to fix the blanket covering him, and then kisses his forehead, telling him a quiet goodnight.Then she walks out of the room, turning the light off on the way, and Yuzuru exhales deeply, closing his eyes and hoping that sleep would come quickly.Tomorrow he'll wake up in a world without pain.
Relationships: Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu
Comments: 8
Kudos: 59





	let's pretend we’re free from fear

**Author's Note:**

> This idea just appeared in my head and didn't want to leave until I finished. It was fun to write and I hope you'll enjoy, well, as far as the tags allow :D  
> Basically in this universe you stop feeling pain on the day of your 13th birthday and you only start to feel it again after kissing your soulmate. I know, kinda odd concept, but I couldn't stop myself hah  
> Sorry for any typos but it's 1.30am so I hope I'll be forgiven :D Title inspired by 'In case I fall for you' by Black Sea Dahu

"Are you scared?" his mom asks quietly, reaching to touch Yuzuru's cheek, and he shakes his head slightly, and shifts a little to be in a more comfortable position.

"I'm not." he says truthfully and she smiles, mostly with relief but also a pinch of concern that makes Yuzuru want to sit up and hug her. But before he decides to do so, his mom leans down to fix the blanket covering him, and then kisses his forehead, telling him a quiet goodnight.

Then she walks out of the room, turning the light off on the way, and Yuzuru exhales deeply, closing his eyes and hoping that sleep would come quickly.

Tomorrow he'll wake up in a world without pain.

* * *

  
  


"I have your blood work here and everything looks alright." doctor Ito says, looking through Yuzuru's file and then looking up at him briefly "You're sure there's no discomfort, or some... odd feeling?"

"Everything feels normal." Yuzuru says and he can see how the doctor hold back a sigh, and he smiles slightly, with sympathy, because during the last couple of years he has seen this reaction so many times, frustration, exasperation and acceptance, because in the world they're living in, their job is sometimes exceptionally hard.

When people don't feel pain, it's crucial for them to be in good contact with their doctor, especially when it comes to professional athletes like Yuzuru. He goes for a check up once a week, sometimes more often.

"I will make sure a copy of all your documentation is sent to you and your team." Doctor Ito says and this time when he looks at Yuzuru, his smile is broader than before "So, Canada?"

"Yes." Yuzuru nods, his stomach churning a little, and he has to clear his throat before he continues "Toronto. I will train with Brian Orser."

"I remember that name. He must be a great coach if you're willing to move so far."

Yuzuru nods and bites on his lower lip, chewing on it a little anxiously. He's one hundred percent sure about his decision, determined to make it work, and he tries to pretend that he doesn't feel these tiny sparks of fear, making his chest feel uncomfortably tight yet still not hurting. But he wants to do it, moreover, he has to do it, if he wants to achieve his dreams. He has to leave his beloved city and coach and move across the ocean to train under Brian Orser and alongside Javier Fernandez, a Spanish skater with beatiful quads that make Yuzuru's stomach clench with hunger. He needs it, he wants it, and he won't let anything stop him.

"Okay, then I think we're done here." doctor Ito says, reaching across the desk to shake Yuzuru's hand "Good luck, Yuzuru."

"Thank you." Yuzuru says with a firm nod, as if making a promise to himself.

And that's exactly what he's doing.

* * *

Yuzuru remembers it, how it feels to be hurting. He remembers the pain of a sprained ankle and bruises so tender they would hurt for weeks, because it's not like waking up on the morning of his thirteenth birthday wiped it away. It's there, but hidden somewhere in the back of his head, waiting for a moment Yuzuru finds his soulmate and nothing will ever be the same again.

Sometimes Yuzuru wonders if it's selfish of him, that he doesn't really want to find his soulmate, or at least not now, please not now, not yet, not when he's still in the beginning of the road.

Doctors keep on telling him that it's the sooner the better, that being a profesional athlete without full awarenesss of his body is dangerous. And Yuzuru gets it, like all of his skating friends do, but he doesn't miss it, that feeling like his body is going to fall apart, something he experienced so many times, even when he was still a kid.

He likes to think that it's not like he doesn't know his body at all. He can feel it sometimes, a little tingle, a feeling of discomfort yet not pain, it's never pain, and Yuzuru intends to keep it that way.

* * *

Toronto is overhelming.

It's not the biggest city he has ever seen, but the atmosphere in it is so different from what he knows best, and it feels so new and strange and too much he cries into the pillow for the first couple of days, not able to fall asleep for hours and waking up with his eyes burning and a headache pounding in his skull.

Everything is new, and so is the rink, and Yuzuru still feels a little intimidated as he walks in on Monday of his second week. He catches himself on searching for familiar faces and a feeling of nostalgia pangs inside his chest as he recalls all the skaters and staff that were by his side for most of his life, and he has to clear his throat, swallowing down an unpleasant lump.

He turns to look at the ice and he calms down instantly, his body filling with peace, because that's exactly where he should be, and where he can always make it work. He comes closer and he recognizes one person, permorming a beautiful quad salchow right in front of his eyes and Yuzuru takes a deep breath, feeling motivation kicking in, and also just a pang of shyness.

Before coming here, Yuzuru had a certain image, a scenario he expected from training at the Toronto Cricket Club. He expected a professional atmosphere and approach and that's exactly what he got, but the thing that is still throwing him off is his new training mate, one of his direct rivals. He was ready for some tension, maybe a couple of foul looks- he had remembered Javi from one or two previous competitions, although he couldn't tell only by those interactions what kind of person he was.

Javi spots him as he passes next to him and he spots abruptly, a wide grin on his face, and he waves shortly before coming to the edge of the ice, close to where Yuzuru is standing.

"Hi." he smiles, and Yuzuru can't control his own lips that are curling into a smile as well "How was the weekend?"

"Okay." Yuzuru shrugs, hoping the short answer would be enough, but Javi seems to be taking his reticence with no problem, which doesn't mean he shares it.

"Okay, champion." he chuckles and Yuzuru blinks with confusion, while Javi grins again, reaching to patch Yuzuru's shoulder lightly before moving back a little, his smile turning teasing.

"Catch me if you can!" he dares, like he knows Yuzuru for ages, like he knows that Yuzuru doeson't love anything as much as he loves a challenge.

He's kind, Yuzuru thinks as he steps on the ice and it starts to feel like home I think he's kind.

* * *

Yuzuru doesn't like talking about soulmates. He never shared that obsession all of his classmates seemed to have, and he always tried to avoid conversations focusing on that topic, even though it was never easy.

It's not like Yuzuru doesn't understand how the whole concept can be attracrive to people. There's something quite poetic about the fact that the person who's made just for you is the only one carrying the power to make you fully vurnelable again, like when you were just a child. But it's also scary, not only the prospect of being in pain again, but also of the fact that this person exists, somewhere in the big wide world, and Yuzuru's stomach churns everytime he thinks of it. Because he isn't a particularly social person, he doesn't crave constant company or one best friend in the world. He's okay being by himself and with his family and that's enough for him. So the prospect of meeting someone, someone he doesn't know and who's supposed to be the one for him, absolutely terrifies him.

He doesn't want to think about this, always ending up feeling oddly anxious, which is exceptionally inconvenient at the moment, since Yuzuru is in a plane someone above Atlantic, probably halfway to Finland for the first competition of the season.

He squirms in his seat, opening his eyes to the quiet interior of the plane. The world outside is pitch black and all Yuzuru can hear is the sound of the engines, most people sleeping or watching movies with their headphones on, everyone buried in their own little bubble. Yuzuru sighs deeply and leans his temple against the wall, eyes scanning the vast darkness outside the window.

He's a little nervous but also excited to see how all the work is going to pay off, because he has been trying his absolute hardest under his new team guidance.

Yuzuru wishes he was feeling sleepy but he doesn't, and he contemplates reaching for his phone and playing some dumb game on his phone when he heard a deep grumble and a second later there is an elbow poking him in between his ribs and Yuzuru flinches, surprised.

"Umh, sorry." Javi mutters when Yuzuru turns in his seat to look at him, all sleepy-eyed and yawning "Did I hurt you?" he asks out of habit and Yuzuru smiles slightly, shaking his head.

"No." he says softly and Javi blinks rapidly before giving Yuzuru a bashful smile.

"Yeah, sorry, I know." he chuckles and Yuzuru thinks that he can see some blush dusting his cheek, but he dismisses the thought instantly, putting it all on the dim lighting.

They never mentioned that topic, but they didn't have to. Training together everyday, it becomes obvious almost instantly, and there is no reason for stating the obvious. They both haven't found their soulmates yet, and for some reason Yuzuru is glad about that. He thinks that it really puts them on the same level, two skaters with range of skills so similar and no pain to stand on their way. It never stops Javi from rushing to Yuzuru everytime time he falls to help him get up, and endaring thing Yuzuru really likes about him.

His main doctor in Toronto is a nice lady in her late 50's, with a nice smile and stern eyes, reminding Yuzuru to be careful during each of his appointments.

"Just because you don't feel it, it doesn't mean it's not there." she says, a mantra Yuzuru has heard a thousand times before. He gets it, and he's careful, because the absolutely last thing he wants is to damage his body beyond repair. But it's also impossible not to take advantage of the fact that he can push himself to the limits he isn't sure he would be able to if he could feel everything.

* * *

“You need to rest for a couple of days.” doctor Murphy says, looking at Yuzuru sternly, pushing her glasses down so she can see him better, or maybe she just wants to intimidate him more “This ankle really isn’t in the best condition.”

“But I can skate?” Yuzuru asks and he can tell that she really wants to roll her eyes, maybe finally getting to limits of her angel patience.

“I said rest, Yuzu.” she says, putting more pressure on his name in what Yuzuru knows will be a hopeless attempt to make him listen “I know this concept is hard to accept, and I know an important competition is approaching, but you need to put your health first.”

Yuzuru chews on his bottom lip, feeling a tiny spike of guilt in his chest. In the end she just cares about him, and it’s her job to tell him what’s going on with him when his own body is a mystery to himself. But the worlds are coming, the first ones with Brian, and Yuzuru has something to prove, to himself and everybody else.

“I will try.” he finally says, and the older woman sighs, shaking her head with exasperation, but her lips twitch with fondness, a little crack in her professional facade.

“Well I guess that’s the best I can get out of you, right?” she says, writing something down in her notepad “Then I will see you next week, unless something comes up- which of course I don’t wish to happen.”

Yuzuru nods and thanks her for the visit before standing up and leaving the office, smiling when he sees his mom invested in reading some colorful women’s magazine.

“Everything is good?” she asks as they walk to the car and Yuzuru confirms, not wanting to bother her if there isn’t anything serious going on.

He pushes the thoughts about his health away, something quite easy to do when you can't feel everything that's going on. He knows that it's a dangerous path, but he still counts it like an advantage, and his mom and doctor and Brian would scold him so much for that.

But Yuzuru has his goals, and he's not going to let anyone stand in the way.

Even himself.

* * *

They can't feel pain, but it's not like they're invincible.

They're still so many things he can't control and that are now flooding through Yuzuru's body, like exhaustion and shortness of breath so strong he can barely stand up from the kneeling position he has fallen into, feeling woozy and overwhelmed. He's aware of the people in the crowd screaming their lungs out, but he can barely hear them as he glides to where David is waiting for him, his reassuring hand touching Yuzuru's shoulder.

"You did good." he says as they're heading to kiss and cry, and then he repeats it a couple of times; and as much as Yuzuru liked David, he doesn’t really share the same opinion. Sure, he knows he did decently- some would say that really good, but Yuzuru isn’t satisfied with himself and how he has skated. He could have done better, and he should have done better, but now it’s done and there’s nothing he can do about it. 

So he stands up and slowly walks to the backstage, accepting a bottle of water from a smiling volounteer, and he wonders if he should go and change already, hoping that maybe the locker room wouldn’t be too crowded. But then he realizes it’s Javi’s turn soon, so he paces to the warm up area where he knows a tv is. There are a couple of chairs and Yuzuru flops on one next to Misha who smiles at him brightly and ignites a littla chat that dims when it’s Javi’s turn to skate, and Yuzuru leans forward a bit, resting his elbows on his knees and not looking away from the screen.

Javi isn’t perfect, a couple of jumps slipping away from him, and Yuzuru thinks that he seems nervous, even though he’s selling the character well, with his usual charm. They didn’t really talk about what they expected from this competition, but now Yuzuru realizes that they both were coming into it with some kind of pressure- Yuzuru with the bronze medal from the previous words and Javi with a fresh European title, both eager to prove that these competition weren’t just happy accidents.

Javi walks in soon, catching Yuzuru’s gaze and sending him a smile before taking the last free chair two rows ahead of him, leaning back heavily. And when some minutes later it’s clear that he got the bronze, Yuzuru is the first one to clap. He’s still mourning his own placement, the cursed fourth place bringing some bitterness to the back of his throat. But yet he can’t help but smile when he sees Javi’s bewildered expression.

Next year, they’re going to be on that podium together.

The elevator’s door opens and Yuzuru steps out of it and into a surprisingly chilly corridor. He shivers and wraps his arms around him, regretting not taking any jacket, but he has left his room on a whim a moment after Dai came to the room Yuzuru was sharing with Mura. Yuzuru has nothing but respect for the two older men, but sometimes he can’t help but feel a bit uncomfortable in their company. It’s not really a secret in Japanese team that the bond between the two is something much more than just a friendship, and Yuzuru decided that it was no sacrifice for him to allow them to have a moment for themselves. Which is why now he’s standing in a cold hotel corridor with no idea where he should actually go. He texted Kanako but so far there’s still no answer, and Yuzuru shifts from one foot to another, nervous. 

There’s one place he can think of, and after a moment of inner debate he turns around and walks back to the elevator, making his way to the seventh floor and quickly finding the right room, a number he never asked for but yet it appears in his memory easily.

When Javi opens the door Yuzuru feels a bit guilty, because his teammate is looking quite sleepy. But Javi smiles widely and insists that he should come in, and after a second of hesitation Yuzuru gratefully accepts.

“I’m sorry for the mess.” Javi chuckles sheepishly and Yuzuru shrugs, giving him a reasuring smile.

“Not bad.” he says, being maybe a tiny bit generous. It’s not that bad overall, maybe there are some clothes draped over chairs and a pair of jeans hanging from the curtain rail, but beside that everything is quite neat, both beds made which implies that Yuzuru hasn’t interrupted Javi’s nap.

“I just got back, left the guys in a bar around the corner.” Javi says, sitting down on the edge of one of the beds and gesturing at Yuzuru to join him “So I expect Adria to come in at some wild hour and flop on his face in the middle of the room or something.” he chuckles “And you, everything okay?”

“Yes, just-” Yuzuru shrugs, not really able to explain the matter, but Javi doesn’t seem to mind that.

“You want to drink something? I think I have some tea left, I swear I saw some bags somewhere-”

“Yes, thank you.” Yuzuru nods qickly and Javi freezes mid-movement and looks at him suspiciously.

“Are you okay?”

“Umm, yes?” Yuzuru hums, but then a little shiver runs through his body and Javi gasps, before rushing to the nearest chair and snatching a hoodie laying there and throwing it at Yuzuru with a playful smile.

“Make youurself comfortable and I will get you that tea.”

Yuzuru smiles and put the hoodie on, and after a moment of hesitation he kicks his shoes off and climbs Javi’s bed properly, sitting against the headboard and watching Javi rummaging through the stuff cluttering the table.

“It is okay.” he says, feeling laughter building in his throat, and Javi waves frantically before letting out a triuphnat yell.

“Got it!”

A few minutes later Javi sits next to Yuzuru, handing him a simple white mug, another one on his right hand, and Yuzuru takes it gratefully. It’s warm against his skin, and Yuzuru wonders if he remembers how it feels to get burnt and he can’t really recall it, which isn’t something he mourns for now.

Him and Javi aren’t really friends, in the common meaning of that word. They don’t spend hours talking on their favourite movies or food or any of these terrible small talk topics Yuzuru never knows how to handle. And yet he feels absolutely comfortable in Javi’s company, sitting on his bed and drinking his quite terrible tea, wearing his hoodie that is too big for both of them, probably. 

“Is it okay?” Javi asks, tapping Yuzuru’s mug, and Yuzuru clicks his tongue before laughing shortly, and Javi laughs right back, bumping his shoulder gently “Okay, I will take decent.”

“Thank you. Really.” Yuzuru says, turning to look at him, and when Javi smiles at him it suddenly all feels just a bit better, the still present disappointment about his result and last remnants of that annoying dizziness. Because Javi is safe, and Javi is warm, and he doesn’t want anything from Yuzuru, doesn’t expect anything. And Yuzuru appreciates that, and he lets that comfortable feeling to lower his guard down, and before he knows it a question slips past his lips.

“Javi, do you want a soulmate?”

He’s half horrified and half embarassed when he hears the words leaving his mouth, and he’s quite annoyed with himself. He doesn’t like touching this topic and he can’t understand how it happened that he himself ignited a conversation about it. But at the same time he can’t deny his own curiosity.

“Of course I do, doesn’t everyone?” Javi chuckles and Yuzuru is grateful he doesn’t notice his wince “But I don’t go around kissing strangers all the time, you know.”

What Yuzuru knows is that Javi has a girlfriend that isn’t his soulmate, and there’s another question on the tip of his tongue, but that one he feels he doesn’t really have a right to ask. It’s Javi’s business and definitely not Yuzuru’s, although he has heard so many stories about people not meeting their soulmates, or choosing not to be with them, spending their lives with someone else. Thinking of that must twist his expression in some weird way because Javi narrows his eyes a little, looking almost worried.

“You okay? Your eyes went all distant all of the sudden.”

“Yes, yes, all is good.” Yuzuru nods, blinking rapidly “Just-” he hesitates and Javi tilts his head, giving him an encouraging smile.

“I don’t think I want a soulmate.” Yuzuru blurts out and it’s Javi’s time to blink, and Yuzuru bits on his lower lip, fearing that Javi would think he’s some kind of a weirdo. Javi’s smile dims only for a second but then it’s back again, and Yuzuru’s heart pangs with relief.

“Oh.” Javi hums “Can I ask why?”

“I-” Yuzuru hesitates, looking for right words “It’s dumb?”

“Huh?”

“The rules are dumb.” Yuzuru says and Javi chuckles, clearly not really getting it but at least he’s not weirded out.

“Why? Because of pain?”

“Yes. And also, what if there is no love?”

That’s one of the biggest issues Yuzuru has with all of that. What if he simply doesn’t like his soulmate? What if he doesn’t even like them? Why the hell the universe is that way, choosing for him someone who’s supposed to be his other half.

“I get that.” Javi says softly “I think about that too, sometimes. But I guess I want, how to say it… full life?”

“Huh?” Yuzuru narrows his eyes, confused “You want to feel hurt?”

“That sounds like I have some kink.” Javi chuckles, and Yuzuru has no idea what he’s talking about “I guess I’m afraid of missing out of things.”

The conversation is turning more and more heavy and complicated and Yuzuru doesn’t really want to continue it, so he lets out a quiet hum and finishes his tea and then fiddles with the cup, starting to feel a little awkward. But then Javi takes the lead and bumps his shoulder against Yuzuru’s playfullly.

“So I guess you’re not the biggest fan of kissing?”

“Mhh.” Yuzuru mumbles, feeling his cheeks warming up a little “I, um, only once. Not a fan.”

He was in high school then, and got surprised after a PE class by a girl named Yua, who was always a good lunch companion, and to whom little crush Yuzuru was totally oblivious. She kissed him and when nothing happened she ran away crying and barely spoke a word to Yuzuru for the rest of the semester. In Yuzuru’s mind kissing is an awkward affair that leads to tears, and also carries a risk of exposing a soulmate, something he’s not interested in and he does not plan on engaging in ever again.

“Thank you for tea, Javi.” he says with a small sigh, putting the cup away on the bedside table and then moving to sit on the edge of the bed and bending down to put his shoes on. Then he stands up and wants to take the hoodie off but Javi shakes his head, walking around the bed and smiling kindly.

“Keep it.” he says, reaching to zip the hoodie all the way up “To keep you warm on the way back.”

“Thank you.” Yuzuru says, feeling warmer immediately, and he clears his throat “Sleep well.”

“You too, Yuzu.” Javi smiles “You too.”

* * *

During the past two years Yuzuru got so familiar with Javi’s gestures and expressions he can read him in a blink of an eye. And he sees it now, the way his mouth twitch and gaze goes distracted and glassy from time to time, so he clings to Javi’s arm and talks, and makes his answer, and hoping that it would make both of them feel better.

He feels odd, something that settled inside him the moment it was clear he had won, that mixture made of thrill and shock and pride and some dose of dissatisfaction and regret that he hasn’t done better. He won, but not in a way he has always wanted, and his throat feels dry and scratchy no matter how much water he drinks and how hard he swallows. 

It’s a new world he found himself in, big and loud and with so many eyes on him he has no idea where to look, and it feels like the only thing keeping him grounded is Javi’s hand.

“I’m sorry I’m the worst company.” Javi mumbles, leaning against the headboard heavily, and his eyes are shining so much Yuzuru has to look away, dropping his gaze down to where his fingers are playing with a blue overblanket.

They’re both on Javi bed, sitting quietly in the dim silence of that single room. The gala ended a couple of hours before and Yuzuru doesn’t exactly remember asking Javi if he can go with him, but then he found himself in the Spanish house, almost empty comparing to the Japan one, which is not so surprising after Javi informed him there was only twenty people staying in it.

They don’t talk much, and Yuzuru doesn’t mind. He’s still nursing the same small can of beer Javi offered him when they arrived, the liquid now lukewarm and lacking any bubbles. Javi has drunk a bit more and he’s probably a little tipsy, but his company is still soothing, his warm presence so much better than the prospect of coming back to his own terribly quiet room.

“I can almost feel it, I think.” Javi mumbles and Yuzuru looks up at him, alarmed, and sees Javi staring at the ceiling, his hand rubbing absent circles on his chest.

“It almost hurts.”

His voice is flat and hollow, and wrong, and Yuzuru has no idea how to react, he just knows he has to do something. And since his tongue is failing him, he lets his body guide him.

He scrables onto his knees and moves closer, and hugs Javi awkwardly, half lying on his lap and pressing his nose somewhere against Javi’s stomach, sharp scent of washing detergent swirling in his nostrils. 

They stay like that for a while, and Yuzuru can hear both their heartbeats, his own a bit ahead of Javi’s, and he thinks that he wouldn’t mind staying like that for a long time. The worls outside is cold and overwhelming, demanding and loud, and here it’s quiet, sad but still safe.

Javi lets out a shaky exhale and cards his fingers through Yuzuru’s hair, the touch gentle and pleasant. Yuzuru sighs and turns, shifting so now his head is resting in Javi’s lap, and he looks up at him, meeting the soft gaze of these brown eyes he knows so well by now.

“It will be okay.” he whispers, reaching up to touch Javi’s jaw, the angle kind of weird, but it feels right, Javi’s warm skin under his fingertips.

“I know.” Javi sighs heavily, catching Yuzuru’s hand with his and pressing it against his chest “I’m just a little bit sad.”

Yuzuru wants to ask him not to feel like that, but he doesn’t. They both have their own emotions they need to work through on their own, and all they can do for each other is to stay close.

“Can I stay?” 

He doesn’t want to be alone, and he thinks that Javi dosn’t want to alone either. Yuzuru knows him well enough, he thinks, and he knows Javi craves closeness and attention, even in that vulnerable state, and they’ve been through so much together already, seeing each other at their highest and lowest, and maybe they’re the only people who can understand what the other one is coming through.

“I will try not to kick you.” is all Javi says, and Yuzuru smiles.

  
  


Javi falls asleep the moment his head hits the pillow, stress and alcohol lulles him to sleep immediately, his face smooth and turned to Yuzuru. 

And Yuzuru is tired too, maybe too much to fall asleep, because minutes pass and he’s still awake, his eyelids flutter open every moment to look at Javi’s face, and his heart lurches. 

And for the first time since they met, his gaze drops down and Yuzuru wonders how it would be, to kiss Javi. He wouldn’t risk anything, since Javi likes girls, and Yuzuru’s throat goes dry as his imagination starts working.

Yuzuru winces, chasing the pictures away. He doesn’t think of Javi like that, he doesn’t think of anyone that way. And well, Javi is asleep right now, so nothing’s going to happen, and it’s probably only occupying Yuzuru’s mind because he’s been on that spiral of polarising emotions for the past couple of days.

So he closes his eyes, and wills himself to sleep.

* * *

  
  


It’s the worst feeling ever, not being able to fully control his body.

He’s feeling well, determined and full of adrenaline, but somehow it doesn’t work, and Yuzuru feels frustration boling inside him with every second, every move, and he desperately tries not to show that on his face, to push through and sell the program the best he can.

He knows that despite feeling well physically, his body is battered, still not recovered after what happened in the exact same arena. Yuzuru remembers terrible dizzines, and overwhelming feeling that something was wrong, really wrong, and he feels it now, helplessness and weakness overtaking him, and there’s nothing he can do except try to hold on.

A wave of disappointment crashes through him as he hits the final pose; he has no idea if that’s going to be enough, but there’s nothing he can do now. But he can’t deny that he feels relieved when he hugs Brian, and it’s always nice to hear some praise from his coach, even if he himself isn’t exactly happy with his performance.

He isn’t happy with the score as well, but he takes it with humbleness, knowing that’s what he deserved. But then he forgets about it for a moment, because it’s Javi’s turn, and Yuzuru’s hands come together by instinct, a nervous lump setting in his throat. 

He wants Javi to do good, but he misses the first minute of his performance, walking through the backstage to the green room that is actually made in the pleasant shade of blue. Nam jumps up to hug him the moment he sees him, and Yuzuru hugs him back before gently detaching himself from his teammate’s embrace. He smiles at Denis and then sits down, turning his eyes to the screen and he watches as Javi fights for every landing, and there are two forces clashing inside him, one wanting for Javi to do his absolute best and another one shamefully hoping that Yuzuru would still be able to defend his place after the short program.

A couple minutes later everything is clear, and everything is done, and Yuzuru fels so incerdibly tired he doesn’t know if he has enough strength to stand up. He manages to do so, and even without ability to feel it, he knows that something is wrong, his body tingling in that telling way, signaling to him that his medical team proably won’t be too pleased. 

But then he forgets about it instanty when he sees Javi approaching him, his expression dazed, but the smile blooming on his lips when his eyes fall on Yuzuru is wide and honest and kind, and Yuzuru makes a step towards him, craving the comfort he knows Javi is able to provide him.

Javi’s arms are warm around him, his breath still quicker than usual, fluttering warmly against Yuzuru’s ear. 

“Hey.” Javi murmurs, low and breathless, and Yuzuru doesn’t want to cry, but there are tears gathering in the corners of his eyes so he pulls away, trying to hide his face, embarassed and angry at himself for making a scene.

But Javi doesn’t seem to care, because he’s pulling Yuzuru in again, whispering gentle words that seem to be the only thing able to soothe his troubled soul.

  
  


“Do you like him?” Kanako asks, glaring at him, and Yuzuru narrows his eyes, swallowing spoonfull of ice cream before speaking.

“Who?”

Kanako rolls her eyes, as if annoyed, and gives Yuzuru a pointed and very confusing look.

“Javier.”

“Of course I do.” Yuzuru says without missing a beat and digs into the ice cream again, the vanilla flavour really tasty “He’s very kind.” he adds and Kanako snorts loudly.

“You only said it thirty times in the last two days.” she says “You know what I mean.”

Yuzuru knows what she means, and he bites back a sigh. 

“You know I don’t.” he says, tasting the ice cream again, but suddenly it doesn’t taste as good as just a moment before. But there’s just a little bit left on the bottom, so he scrapes it and swallows without much enthusiasm before putting the box away.

“Do I, tho?” Kanako hums “That hug was a lot.”

“We hug all the time.” Yuzuru huffs, more annoyed with every passing second “I wish cameras weren’t there, it’s really too much.”

“Mhh.” Kanako hums again, and Yuzuru hopes she will drop the topic now, but he should know his friend better.

“Have you ever wondered if he could be your soulmate?”

Yuzuru laughs.

“Yeah, no.” he shakes his head “Not a chance.”

“Why not?” Kanako presses, moving a bit closer “You seem to fit so well together!”

“Kana, we’ve been training together for the past three years.” Yuzuru sighs “We work well, and he’s fun to be around, and that’s all. And he’s not ever into guys.”

“How do you know?” Kanako asks “And I can’t recall anyone claiming that soulmates have to be romantically involved.”

“Whatever.” Yuzuru mutters “It’s ridiculous.”

“If it’s ridiculous then you can make out with him without worry, tho.” 

That line actually makes Yuzuru choke on his own tongue, and he throws Kanako an offended glance when she bursts into laughter.

“You’re crazy. Now, can we move on to talk about something that isn’t dumb?”

“Fine, fine.” Kanako chuckles, reaching to ruffle his hair “I’m just messing with you.”

“Unfortunately.”

“You’re so rude, I’m emptying your mini bar for that.”

She follows the threat, walking to the fridge and rummaging through what’s inside, and Yuzuru uses that moment to collect himself and think of Kanako’s words. He doesn’t think of Javi that way, but he can’t deny that all these comments, like the one of his friend, guide his mind to some new territories of imagination. He doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with that, but he’s not planning on any of that happening, and he’s feeling a little flustered when other people suggest it, even in jokes.

He’s sure it would be nice, though, Javi for sure knows how to kiss-

“Aha!” Kanako exclaims, so loudly Yuzuru almost falls off the bed “You were totally imagining smooching with him!”

“No I wasn’t!”

“You totally were.” she laughs, flopping down next to him and twisting the cap off the bottle she’s holding “But know my mercy, I won’t bother you anymore. But you’ll get there.”

“Whatever.” Yuzuru mumbles, his cheeks flaming “So are we playing or not?”

“Always ready to kick your ass!”

* * *

There are days when Yuzuru feels like he could just skate without end.

It's that kind of day today, when everything is just right, the ice still smooth and the air crisp and refreshing, and it feels wrong, just thinking of leaving it now, like walking out on your best friend.

Yuzuru inhales deeply, adrenaline still circling in his veins, and he looks at Brian who watches him and Javi with expression half amused and half exasperated.

"Okay, you can stay for a bit longer. But when mister White comes to clean and tells you to get out, you get out, okay?"

"Sure thing!" Javi exclaims and Yuzuru smiles to himself, pleased.

He likes to be alone on the ice, to just close his eyes and feel that special connection rooted deep in his soul. But it's different with Javi. Because Javi is special as well, and if Yuzuru thinks that he really wouldn't mind sharing the ice with him for the rest of time.

Skating with Javi is like breathing, easy and natural, and it fills Yuzuru with that special kind of peace, like everything in the world is absolutely right. They don’t talk, just move next to each other, falling into the same rhythm without thinking. In moments like that, quiet and serene, Yuzuru likes to think that they’re the completely the same despite all the differences, that their thoughts are the same and their heartbeats matching.

For a couple of minutes, the world is just the two of them and the smooth sheet of ice, their blades singing beautifully in the crispy air, so it’s really jarring to Yuzuru when stumbles a little right in the middle of the rink. His whole body leans forward and it’s too late for him to catch his balance, but he manages to save his face from smashing against the ice and he lands on his hands and knees, wincing with annoyance. It doesn’t hurt, but his right wrist tingles a little, the only signal his body is able to send him.

“All good?” Javi asks, skating to him, and Yuzuru lets out a huff, rubbing his wrist with another hand before looking up at Javi who’s reaching to him already, ready to pick Yuzuru up like every time.

“Yeah.” Yuzuru says, his lips curling into a smile already, and he takes both of Javi’s hands, grateful for the help.

Javi’s palms are warm and broad, and he doesn’t let go instantly even when Yuzuru is standing straight and in no danger of collapsing. And Yuzuru doesn’t mind, because being so close to Javi is as easy as skating with him. It feels natura and safe, and Yuzuru likes how he can see all the different tones in Javi’s eyes. So he smiles, and Javi smiles as well, and there’s something incredibly tender in his gaze, something beyond the usual fondness, and Yuzuru can’t look away, suddenly mesmerized by the gentle fluttering of Javi’s eyelashes. 

Something shifts in the air between them, feeling warmer all of the sudden, and Yuzuru’s heart picks up a faster rhythm, as if urging him to do something, and if his head wasn’t swimming all of the sudden, he would think about that.

But he can’t think at all, and he only watches Javi’s expression flickering a second before he leans in, slowly, as if giving Yuzuru a chance to back away.

But Yuzuru doesn’t, because it’s Javi, and Yuzuru would like to himself if he pretended that he hasn’t been curious about that lately, that he hasn’t imagined that.

And in the end, there’s no threat.

In the end, it’s just Javi.

The kiss is just a gentle caress, a featherlike touch against Yuzuru’s lips, sweet and innocent, and Yuzuru sighs, letting his lips part-

A second later his whole world explodes.

Yuzuru gasps and pushes back so quickly he almost falls down again, black dots dancing in his eyes. Pain, something that a moment earlier was just a distant memory, is now tearing through his body in white flames, making him lose his breath. It’s in his wrist, his knees, and there’s a sickening throbbing in his ankle that makes him feel like he’s about to throw up.

Panic settles inside him as he refuses to accept it, refuses reality and what it means, and he can barely hear Javi who’s saying something in a voice laced with anxiety. 

Javi reaches out to him but Yuzuru shoves him away, making him hiss with pain, and Yuzuru is so horrified he feels like on the edge of passing out.

He sways dizzily, almost losing balance, and that time he doesn’t have enough strength to push Javi away. 

They stumble out of the ice and Yuzuru jerks away from Javi’s hold and falls on the nearest bench, his chest heaving. He can’t believe it’s happening, he refuses to acknowledge that, even though pain running through his body is enough of a proof for the cruel reality.

“Yuzu?”

Javi’s voice is small and anxious, and Yuzuru has never heard him like that before; so he looks up at him and instantly knows it’s a mistake, because Javi’s looking at him with eyes wide and full of shock, and Yuzuru can’t stand to look at him, so he drops his gaze down, his jaw clenching so hard it’s painful and Yuzuru hates it, he hates it with every fibre of his aching body.

“No.” he says quietly, staring at the grey floor covering, fixing his eyes on the little stains of many spilled drinks, and he hears Javi's breathing hitching, like he's in pain too.

"Yuzu..." he says again, hopelessly, and before Yuzuru knows it he feels a hand touching his shoulder and he jerks away, an ugly sound resebling scream leaving his throat.

"Don't touch me." he says, his voice trembling "Don't."

Javi blinks at him, the hurt evident on his face, but Yuzuru doesn't care right now, he doesn't care about anything but the fact that it feels like something was just taken away from him.

Javi takes a deep breath and Yuzuru knows he's going to try again, and he can't deal with it right now, so he shakes his head frantically, fingers curling on the edge of the bench.

"Go away." he says, his voice coming out in a sharp hiss that cuts his throat like glass "Leave me alone." he adds, his voice breaking at the end, and Javi takes a step back, as if Yuzuru just slapped him.

He looks at him for a long moment, Yuzuru can feel it even though his head is turned another way, and he closes his eyes that are now burning with tears dwelling in them.

A few heartbeats later he hears Javi's slow footsteps, and then clicking quietly, and Yuzuru draws in a shaky inhale, greedy for air. But it's hard to breathe, because his throat is clenching as a loud sob leaves his body, echoing in the empty rink as he cries, mourning something he'll never get back.

  
  


Yuzuru wakes up with a pounding headache, full nose and his muscles aching, and he would cry again, but he feels like there is not even a drop of moisture left in him, throat dry and lips chapped.

He shuts his eyes again, but after a couple of minutes he realizes falling back to sleep is not an option, so he sits up slowly, wincing at all of the new sensations running through him. He has never felt that kinf of exhaustion before, and he has no idea how to cope with it.

Hesitantly, Yuzuru reaches for his phone, unlocking the screen anxiously, and he's relieved when he sees that Javi hasn't been trying to contact him. He winces a little when he notices how late it is, but it's a Saturday, and he thinks that under all these circumstances, his stupid schedule can go to hell for one day.

He forces himself to leave the bed, wincing sharply when he stands up and an arrow of pain shoots up his leg. He puts a sweater over his pajamas and walks to the kitchen, bracing himself for a talk with his mother.

They didn't do much talking yesterday when she came to pick him up, Yuzuru unable to stop himself from crying hysterically, feeling like the ground was breaking around him. She forced him to drink tea and gave him some herbal pills,and somehow he managed to fall asleep.

They have so much to talk about, and for the first time in his life Yuzuru actually wants to talk about soulmates, because he feels like a child lost in the fog, vulenarble and scared, and with absolutely no idea what to do and where to go.

His mom is sitting on her favourite kicthen chair, solving a crossword, like she usually does in the mornings. She doesn't say anything at first, just walks around the table and takes Yuzuru in her arms, holding him warm and close until he stops trembling.

"Go and take a warm shower, I will prepare something to eat." she says softly, kissing his temple, and Yuzuru nods numbly, realizing that his pajamas are clinging to his skin in an unplasant way, and he shudders, feeling disgusted with himself.

In the bathroom he avoids looking in the mirror, but he still catches the sight of his face, puffy eyes and blotchy skin, and he looks away instantly, his breath hitching.

The water makes him feel a bit better, but only physically. When it comes to his emotional state, he can't even begin to decipher what's happening to him.

If there's only one thing he knows, it's that his chest aches with regret that any of that happened, and if he could turn back time, he would do so in a heartbeat.

If that was only possible.

He forces himself to eat what his mom prepared for him, and then they take their teacups and go to the living room, settling on the sofa, and Yuzuru has no idea what to say, so he just looks at her helplessly, and she reaches to cover his hand with his.

"How are you feeling?" she asks and Yuzuru shakes his head, swallowing past the lump in his throat.

"Bad."

His voice is hoarse and quiet, and his mom looks at him with love and sadness, her hand moving to caress his cheek.

"You're going to feel better in a couple of days."

"I don't think so." Yuzuru says, his voice cracking "Mom, I hate it. I hate it so much."

"Oh sweetheart." she sighs, shaking her head gently "I know it's a lot to take now. You need to rest."

What Yuzuru needs is a timemachine, but that's obviously not an option. And he knows that his mom is right, that he needs some days, weeks probably, to get used to that new reality, to the fact that he's fully aware of his body now. He worries how it is going to influence his skating, but he's already promising himself that nothing will stop him from chasing perfection. He will adapt and overcome it, he has no doubt in that. It's the other matter that makes his stomach clench anxiously, and he bits on his lower lip nervously, looking down at his cup for a moment before taking a deep breath and looking at his mom again.

"I don't know what to do with Javi."

It feels awkward, saying his name out loud, like all these years before when they were just two strangers. And somehow it feels like they're strangers again, put in that new light that is too blinding for Yuzuru to see through it.

“I believe he needs a couple of days too, to think about everything…” his mom starts but Yuzuru cuts her off, shaking his head quickly.

“No, mom, I don’t- it’s just making everything so complicated. And I don’t think I want to deal with it.”

“Sweetheart, I know that you were never interested in that, but it’s Javi. This is hard right now, but I promise, it’s all going to work out.”

“It’s not.” Yuzuru says stubbornly, knowing that he might be sounding childish, but he doesn’t care at this point “I don’t want this, none of this, I, I don’t even love him!” he exclaims pathetically, his heart lurching, but he feels like he just needs to scream his anger and helplessness out.

“You don’t have to love him, Yuzu.” his mom says, unfazed by his outburst “But you can’t pretend like nothing is happening.”

She is right, of course she is, and Yuzuru deflates, feeling exhaustion taking over him again. It must be written all over his face, because she leans forward to kiss his forehead and tells him to rest. And even though it’s not something a nap can fix, Yuzuru curls under a blanket and closes his eyes, and promises himself not to cry anymore.

  
  


On Monday morning Yuzuru feels so bad he can barely eat his breakfast. He foces himself to swallow a few bites and it makes him feel so sick he doesn’t throw up only beacuse his mom forces him to drink a cup of very sweet herbal tea that calms his stomach down.

“If you feel bad just let me know, I will take you home earlier.” his mom says, caressing his cheek goodbye, and Yuzuru hates it, hates being treated like some small, fragile thing, even when it comes from her.

His heart is pounding painfully all the way to the locker room, and when he puts his hand on the doorknob he actually fears that he’s about to faint. Dazen, he opens the door, and he inhales sharpely and greedily when he sees that the room is mostly empty, only Nam trying to fit all his stuff in one narrow locker.

"Yuzu, hi!" he greets him brightly, a contrast to how violently he's trying to close the door "You're later than usual."

"Um, traffic." Yuzuru mumbles, because really can't be bothered with coming up with something else, but it seems to be enough, because Nam nods knowingly, turning away for a moment to finally twist the key in the lock.

"Yeah, it's tough sometimes." he agrees "But can you believe that Javi is here already? He was there when I arrived, now Brian's probably feeding him with these energy bars, dude looks like a zombie-"

Simple mention of Javi's name sends Yuzuru's mind right back into that terrible dizzoness, and he barely manages to follow what Nam is saying next, describing some family party he attended on the weekend. Yuzuru likes Nam, he likes him a lot, but right now he can't even pretend he's listening, because now he knows Javi is already here, probably stroking lazily on the ice, and Yuzuru feels sick again.

He's not ready, maybe he'll never be ready, but he's determined not to allow any of that to have any influence on his training. 

It feels so new.

It’s almost like learning how to skate all over again, even though his body remembers all the movements, but it’s so hard to catch up with every new sensation tearing through his body. It’s been such a long time, and Yuzuru doesn’t want pity, and he doesn’t want anyone to go easy on him, so he grits his teetg and tries not to show anything. 

And then, there’s Javi.

Yuzuru tries not to look at him, keeping his head down, but he’s still so aware of his presence he can tell exactly where he is, as if they were connected by some invisible strand.

Well, they are.

Javi hasn’t tried to speak to him, but from the brief glances Yuzuru threw his way he knew he wanted to, his lips trembling slightly, jaw clenching nervously. He looks like he hasn’t slept more than three hours in the last couple of days, dark shadows under his eyes and his face unusually pale.

Yuzuru feels jittery and nauseous, and when he falls after the quad sal attempt he almost starts crying, not because of the pain that he’s slowly getting used to, but because of the terrible helplessness he has no idea how to fight.

“Javi, Yuzu, to my office for a moment.” Brian’s voice echoes in the rink and Yuzuru stops so abruptly he almost tumbles “The rest of you guys, listen to Ghislain, it’ll be a moment.”

Yuzuru feels like his heart is going to jump out if his chest, his pulse rigid as he sits down on one of the chairs in Brian’s tiny office, Javi so close their elbows are almost touching, and Yuzuru can barely breathe, waves of emotions crashing inside him and not allowing him to think straight.

Brian clears his throat and glances at Tracy standing next to him, and Yuzuru suspects what they want to talk about and he’s not ready for that, but he knows there’s no way he can avoid it. Next to him Javi shifts uncomfortably, probably not eager to have that conversation as well, but Yuzuru still refuses to look at him, not ready to see whatever is written on his face.

“Well, boys.” Brian starts and Tracy smiles gently, nodding with enouragement “I think there’s a conversation we need to have, but please remember it’s not to embarass you, we only… want to clear some things out.”

Yuzuru nods numbly, bracing himself for whatever is coming next. 

“So-” Brian clears his throat again “We realized that you both are… feeling, now. It was obvious after the first minutes of training. Which I know is hard, but we know how to deal with it and we’ll guide you through it, so there’s nothing to worry about. But also-” he stops, looking a bit awkward, and turns at Tracy, silently asking her for help.

“I think it’s no coincidence that it happened to both of you at the same time.” Tracy says gently and Yuzuru feels acid rising in his throat “We want you to be comfortable, so please talk to us in case you need to make some arrangements with the schedule, or with anything.”

Yuzuru feels his face burning and he looks down at his hands, fingers picking on the fabric of his pants.

“I think me and Yuzu have to talk first.”

Javi’s voice is rough and quiet, and Yuzuru’s breath catches in his throat.

“Oh.” Brian hums, and Yuzuru feels too embarassed to look at him “So you haven’t, hmmm-”

“There was no occasion.” Javi says flatly and Yuzuru flinches, both at his hollow tone and the memory of how hysterically he reacted the other day.

“We’ll give you a moment now.” Tracy says, putting her hand on Brian’s shoulder and urging him to move. Yuzuru’s first instinct is to oppose, but the more collected part of him knows that he can’t keep on delaying that endlessly. 

The door closes and they’re left alone, silence ringing in between them, and Yuzuru closes his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath before finally gathering enough courage to look at Javi. 

Their eyes meet and for a moment everything calms down, because it’s Javi, his eyes tired yet so familiar, and just for a second Yuzuru forgets. But then Javi blinks rapidly, a small grimace forming on his lips, and it’s like a harsh pull back to reality.

It’s terrible, the awkwardness and tension between them, and Yuzuru mourns the ease that used to be in between them, something they’ll never get back.

“If you don’t want to see me, I can switch some hours.” Javi says, his voice still flat, but Yuzuru can see that it’s costing him, that in reality he’s shaking as much as Yuzuru. 

“I-” Yuzuru starts, but he has no idea what to say, because he doesn’t know what he wants, except going back in time.

“It’s okay.” Javi says, swallowing hard “I don’t want you to feel bad, so I can- it’s fine.” he repeats before standing up rapidly, almost flipping the chair over. 

But it’s not fine, it’s not fine at all, and Yuzuru moves before he can think, his fingers catching a sleeve of Javi’s sweatshirt.

“Javi.” he says, his throat hurting and something akin to electric shock running up his arm “I’m sorry.”

He’s truly sorry, about everything. About how he acted, about feeling so bad, about not being able to control his own emotions. It’s just too much and he has no idea how he’s going to find himself in that new situation, and he doesn’t know how to act around Javi, how to feel about all of that.

Javi looks at him, chewing on his bottom lip, and then he sits down slowly, fully facing Yuzuru now.

“This is crazy.” he mumbles, shaking his head tiredly “But can we just try? I hate that you can’t even look at me.”

“I’m sorry.” Yuzuru says again, withdrawing his hand and folding it on his lap awkwardly “I wish it didn’t happen.” 

“What? That we kissed or that we’re soulmates?”

“Both.” 

It’s how he feels, but Yuzuru regrets saying it out loud the moment the word is out of his mouth. Javi’s expression flickers with hurt as he stands up quickly, and Yuzuru knows he wouldn’t be able to stop him this time. 

Javi walks away, the door hitting the doorframe a bit louder than usually, and Yuzuru flinches, wincing. He takes a deep breath, trying to collect himself before he would go back to the ice, and he realizes that there are little sparks of pain dancing on his palms. He looks down and sees little scarlet crescents on the insides of his hands from how hard he digged his nails into soft skin.

* * *

  
  


“I was hoping that finding your soulmate would make you go easy on yourself.” Doctor Murphy says, shaking her head, and Yuzuru thinks that she looks a bit upset. “Your iron levels are a bit lower than they should be, I need you to take care of your diet.”

“Okay.” Yuzuru nods and she glances at the computer screen on her desk, narrowing her eyes.

“I see in your file that you’re taking strong painkillers, does it have something to do with that foot of yours?” 

Yuzuru grits his teeth and nods again, and she sends him a stern look that softens after a moment and she sighs, putting both her elbows on the desk and resting her chin on her clasped hands, her eyes finding his.

“How are you doing, Yuzuru?” she asks and he shrugs, avoiding her gaze.

The last months were rough in every meaning of the world. Training is so much different now, with full awarness of his entire body and the consequences of what years of restless training did to him. He works as hard as before, but he can’t pretend that it’s so much different now, and that he has to live with it. And another thing he has to live with is constant pain, throbbing in this or that part of his body, something he can’t ignore. His team and family are the most helpful, guiding him through the change, and he’s not able to thank them enough for their support.

So it’s tough, but he’s managing, focusing on his training and trying not to think about ither aspects of his life that he has so little control of.

“Yuzuru?”

Doctor Murphy’s voice brings him back to reality and Yuzuru clears his throat, a little embarassed.

“I’m okay.” he says, choosing his go to answer to that question.

She clearly isn’t buying it, and Yuzuru can see a flicker of wonder in her eyes, before she leans back in her chair, her lips curling up in a nostalgic smile. 

“I can see that it’s hard on you, and I hope it’ll all work out. I think that the relationship with our soulmate is the most important in our lives, even if it isn’t the easiest.”

“It isn’t.” Yuzuru mumbles, his heart aching. He glances at her before clearing his throat and standing up, giving her a small smile “Thank you, doctor, I will… go.”

“Good luck, Yuzuru.” she nods, smiling back at him “I hope it’ll sort out soon.”

When it comes to that, Yuzuru has given up on hoping.

* * *

  
  


“Okay guys, that’s everything for today.” Brian claps as Yuzuru and Javi leave the ice, keeping the distance in between each other “I won’t tell you to go packing, because I want to believe that you’re prepared already. And I’ll see you both at the airport tomorrow, make sure to have your alarms set, or you’ll be taking a cab all the way to Boston!”

“Sure thing.” Javi chuckles, and then calls out to Nam who’s still on the ice, and Yuzuru paces away, wondering if he’ll manage to change and leave before Javi arrives in the locker room.

It’s not like they can’t stand to be in each other’s presence. They’re civil, they train just fine, they communicate. But there’s still tension between them, awkwardness they can’t get rid of, and Yuzuru slowly accepts the fact that it’s going to stay that way. They didn’t talk about the situation, and Yuzuru is thankful that the coaches also stay out of it, but since the quality of their training is still quite high, they have no real reason to worry.

Speaking of worry, Yuzuru feels thankful that the media hasn’t picked up on anything, but he has been trying real hard to keep his compsure in public, and so far it seems to be working out. It would be an absolute disaster if someone connects the facts, and Yuzuru is praying silently that at least that mess could be avoided.

Javi walks in the room right after Yuzuru changes his shirt, and he nods at him before opening his own locker. And Yuzuru doesn’t mean to stare, but yet he does, because no matter what has happened between them, it’s still Javi, and Yuzuru misses him, and misses what they used to have and what is now lost. So he watches Javi leaning into the locker and then peeling his training shirt off, lines of his back moving as he fishes out a towel and a bottle of shower gel, and Yuzuru can’t understand why his heart suddenly seems to be beating stronger than before.

And then Javi turns around and freezes, his eyes meeting Yuzuru’s and lips parting as if in wonder, like he has a question he can’t put into words. Normally, Yuzuru would look away and pretend it’s nothing, but for some unknown reason he doesn’t do it now. It feels like ages since they truly looked into each other’s eyes, and all of the sudden Yuzuru needs to know if he still remembers all the tones in Javi’s irises.

Yuzuru’s heart almost jumps out of his chest when Javi moves towards him, and he would run away if he wasn’t feeling rooted to the spot and awfully weak in the legs. Javi stops right in front of him, looking down at Yuzuru with an expression so full of mixed emotions Yuzuru isn’t able to read anything from him. Javi hesitates for a second, and then slowly reaches to touch Yuzuru’s cheek, his touch gentle and careful, like he’s scared Yuzuru will run away.

Javi’s palm against his cheek is both burning and soothing, and Yuzuru’s head starts to swim, and when was the last time they touched, except for occasionally helping each other out after a fall. Maybe that’s why it’s such a shock now, how much Yuzuru missed it, and yet how familiar it feels.

“If you wait for me a few minutes, we could talk.” Javi says quietly, sweeping his thumb along Yuzuru’c cheekbone before taking a step back, his touch leaving Yuzuru’s face.

Yuzuru doesn’t say anything, just watches him, blinking rapidly as if it could help him get rid of that odd diziness that overwhelmed him a couple of minutes before. 

It feels like he can breathe normally only when he hears a shower running, and it catches up to him, what just happened and what Javi asked him for, and Yuzuru doesn’t understand what he’s feeling except that he’s scared, that he’s absolutely terrified for more reasons that he can name.

He feels like the world starts to close on him yet again, so he does the only thing that he believes can help him.

He gets up, and runs.

* * *

It’s the morning practice before free skating later today, and Yuzuru takes an extra long sip from his bottle, hoping it will help him to hide his grimace. His left foot is throbbing with pain, sending hot white arrows up his leg, all the way to his hip. It’s bad and he knows it, but he’ll be damned if he lets anyone know. He’s so close now, and he can deal with everything later, he just has to hold on for a little longer. 

His pulse picks up when Javi’s free program music is starting, and he can’t stop himself from looking at him, knowing that this time he won’t be caught. They barely spoke since the moment they met by the gates at Toronto airport, and Javi has been succefully avoiding to spare even one look in Yuzuru’s direction.

And Yuzuru doesn’t blame him. They had that little moment of connection after months of awkwardness, and if there was some hope for them to sort things out, Yuzuru killed it by running away like a coward. But it’s the worst moment to dive into that mess again, so Yuzuru shakes his and tries to look away from Javi, but he can’t, and he feels his stomach clenching nervously as notices that something is off.

He knows Javi’s skating like he knows his own, and he can just tell that there’s something wrong, that Javi isn’t feeling fully comfortable. He glances at Brian and sees him frowning, and Yuzuru feels his chest tighten for way too many reasons. He spins around and puts his hands on the board, closing his eyes and trying to get himself together. 

He has to focus, and then he can try to deal with whatever mess is happening to him.

  
  


The rink is quiet and dark, with just a couple lights on, just enough to make it easy for a couple of staff members working on something on the other side of the room. They’re probbaly not even aware of his presence, which is good, and lets Yuzuru pretend he’s alone.

Everything aches, his muscles, limbs, his heart, and he’s pretty sure even his soul is hurting right now. 

He’s tired and he wants to go home, but he doesn’t move from where he’s sitting on the edge of the rink. Some fragments of the boards were removed so his feet are resting on the ice, and Yuzuru thinks that if he could he would skate just one time. But he said his goodbye already during the gala, and now there’s nothing left for him except to embrace whatever is coming next.

A door opens and closes somewhere, and Yuzuru hopes the person wouldn’t find him, and he surpresses a deep sigh when he hears footseps approaching him, and he braces himself for having to explain what he’s doing here. 

“You missed the last shuttle.” 

Yuzuru closes his eyes, feeling on the verge of tears immediately. He can hear Javi sitting down next to him, close enough for to feel heat radiating from his body.

“You too.” Yuzuru mumbles, eyes still closed, and Javi lets out something between a sigh and a chuckle.

“I thought I should look for you before people start to panic.”

“I wanted to be alone for a moment.” 

“Okay.” Javi says quietly “I just wanted to check on you. You’ll be alright?”

“Yes.” Yuzuru says and finally opens his eyes, and of course there is moisture gathering in the corners.

“Okay.” Javi repeats softly, and he makes a move like he’s about to stand up, but then he stops and looks straight at Yuzuru, even though Yuzuru still keeps looking ahead, not sure if he would be able to handle seeing his expression right now.

“I just wanted to say…” he takes a deep breath “I don’t expect anything from you, and I don’t… I don’t blame you for anything. I just want you to know that you make me feel so much more than just pain. So much.” 

A couple of tears finally escape and run down Yuzuru’s cheeks, and Yuzuru is so tired. He’s so tired of being hurt and tired feeling like he doesn’t know himself at all. All he knows is that his heart lurches painfully as Javi stands up, and he just feels that he has to do something, anything, to attempt untangling that mess they’ve been stuck in.

“Wait.” he says, his voice coming out squaky “Can you help me?” he asks, finally looking at Javi and raising his arms. 

Javi reaches down without missing a beat, pulling Yuzuru into standing position and Yuzuru whimpers quietly when he puts his weight on his aching feet. He sways a little, leaning forward, and suddenly he’s in Javi’s arms, pressing his nose against his neck and inhaling his scent, still so achingly familiar. 

Javi gasps a little and then wraps his arms around Yuzuru, holding him tight, so close like he’s never wanting to let go. His heartbeat is quick and strong, and just like that Yuzuru feels something inside him shattering, and he clings to Javi’s shoulders like to a lifeline, and for the first time he finds himself accepting reality, embracing it fully after months of trying to avoid as much as he could.

It’s still so much, too much, and he still doesn’t know what to do- but what he knows is that it’s right, being in Javi’s arms, and that he has to stop pretending otherwise.

“I don’t know what will happen.” he whispers against Javi’s neck “I don’t know when I come back.” he adds, a spike of anxiety stabbing his chest “But I will be better, I promise. And you-” he inhales deeply, trying to bite back a sob “-you make me feel so much more too.”

He doesn't know what it is. He has no idea what’s going to happen, but he knows that he needs time after being so caught up in refusing reality and being angry about it. 

“Okay.” Javi whispers, and then cards his fingers through Yuzuru’s hair, his lips moving to kiss his temple “That’s good.”

They don’t say anything after that, but the silence isn’t heavy or awkward or uncomfortable. It finally feels right, two souls finding each other and finally merging into one, just like it has always been written in the stars for them.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!


End file.
